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OH, OH It's third grade

Last week one of my third graders was busted by his teacher for selling something to his classmates that he should not be selling on school grounds. Magic Potions.

It seems that for weeks now he has been charging $10, $20, and in this case $30 per potion. Now, before you think that this is one twisted kid you is taking advantage of his classmates naiveté, let me add this little wrinkle. He believes that they work.

He sold one potion that, according to him, contained the three rings of light. I don't know what this potion was supposed to do, but it looked very much like olive oil with some seasoning in it.

This all reminds me of a, I believe, Damon Wayan's bit where he's talking about the rules he has for his kids. The rule is "you're in trouble. Unless it's funny." His son super glued his daughter to the toilet. That's funny.

So is a 3rd grader getting other kids to buy magic potions.

During gym class a couple of days later, this little Harry Potter accidentally hit another kid in the head with a dodgeball. As I was telling him he needed to be more careful when he threw the ball, he got inappropriately defensive, and said, "I can't control where the ball his going once I throw it. I'm not using magic."

I replied, "I know you aren't using magic. You don't have any magic powers."

"Yes I do." He said. "I'll prove it."

"Really? How?"

"I'll make you a bet. Next Winter. I'll turn myself into a wolf. If I can't I'll give up. If I can, you owe me $100 dollars."

"DONE."

"Now remember, it's next winter." He said.

"I know. If you do it before then, it doesn't count."

In recounting this tale to one of my colleagues later that day, he pointed out that even if he does turn himself into a wolf, he would have no use for the money. This hadn't occurred to me. So, it looks like I get to keep my $100 either way. I may however, need to go out and buy some bunnies for next winter.

First stories of the year

I'm forgetting a lot of great ones, but here are a couple samples of conversations I or other teachers in my school have had with students so far this year.

(Int. Cafeteria Day) Kindergarten
Little Mulder: Where did Ms. Krabapple go? (the teacher had left the class with the aid to go and eat lunch herself)
Aid: "She had to go take care of some things."
Little Mulder: "That's too bad. We had some good times."

(Int. Computer Lab Day) 7th grade

In a discussion at the end of class about seafood that was started because that's what I had for dinner last night)

All of the students were mentioning seafood they like or don't like.

7th Grade Mulder: "I like Oysters. Cause they're sexy."
Me: "They're what?"
7M: "They're sexy"
Me: "Okay."

I used to just write "Have a good summer."

Year books were handed out today, accompanied by the usual flurry by every student to have them signed by everyone. One of the 3rd grade boys was signing everyone's yearbook in the following manner.

I hate Emily
  - Josh

He made it through about 4 or 5 yearbooks before the teacher saw this and (sadly I think) put an end to it.

I say good for him having convictions and being willing to put them in print.

JT

I was just there to get directions for how to get away from there

Yesterday I had a student who was absent. At lunch he comes riding up on his bike to the playground and I said,
"Mulder [for the purposes of anonymity all of my male students are named Mulder and all of my female students are Scully], I thought you were sick today. What are you doing here?
Mulder: "I just wanted to come and tell you why I couldn't be at school today. We were at first communion parties until really late so I couldn't come today.
Me: "But you came here to tell me that. Why didn't you just put your uniform on and come to school?" You clearly could make it here, because you are here."

At this point a very glazed and blank expression spread across Mulder's face. I asked him about it again this morning. I'm still not sure he gets it.

I'm going to talk to the English teacher about introducing them to irony later today.

I wish I had more days like these

Today I took 5th graders into the computer lab to learn about the database biography resource center.  Each student had their own important figure in the arts, sciences, history, or politics.  When I went over to one girl getting frustrated why she couldn't find any information on her individual, I noticed that she typed in Yo-yo mama instead of Yo-yo ma.  From that point on every time I saw a picture of the famed musician, I couldn't help but bust out laughing.  Another girl did another funny move but not funnier than Yo-yo mama when she typed in her own name in the search box.  Now, who hasn't tried experimenting to see if you are listed among famous figures, but when you honestly don't get the premise of the assignment, well, thats another story.  If I had more moments like this I wouldn't feel so burned out every week.

Laura

That's it, I've lost them forver

Much like the beginning of Die Hard: With A Vengeance where John McClain has to wear the sandwich board in Harlem stating his dislike for the ethnic group that tends to populate that neighborhood, there are just some places where it's the absolute worst place to do a certain thing.

Yesterday while I was on lunch duty one of my colleagues, while moving a garbage can across the room, knocked it over, spilling the contents on the ground. He did this in a room full of 5th -8th graders. You can imagine the clapping and laughing that ensued on the part of the kids.

Now, I don't really find dropping things funny. I do find it funny when things are dropped in front of the one demographic group that will mock you incessantly for doing it.

"Good Morning, Kindergarteners, I'm Principal Sinner. . .Skinner. That's it, I've lost them forever"

To Err is Human, to forgive is five

Today with my Kindergarteners I was trying to plug in new headphones for one of the boys. As I reached to pull the tower forward I accidentally hit the power switch, turning off his computer.

I said, "Oh, I accidentally turned it off."
He said, "That's OK."
I said, "We'll get it turned right back on. That's my fault."
He said, "Don't Worry."

I've never been so sincerely comforted by a child. He really, really, didn't want me to feel bad. I couldn't help but laugh a little.

JT

In which grade school students are hysterical

Two fantastic stories from the 1st hour of my school day. The day can't get any better. I may just call it a win and go home.

One of my 6th graders takes the public bus to school every morning and yesterday he came in talking about a girl he met on the bus that he finally talked to. Not wanting to kill his chances with this girl he told her he went to the high school right across the street from our school. Please remember he's in the 6th grade.

This kid's no dummy (though thinking he could pass as a 9th grader may directly contradict this claim, but follow me here). Friday's my kids go to P.E. which means instead of wearing their uniform to school, they wear their sweats and T-Shirts for gym. The shirt can be easily covered with a coat, but the name of our grade school is printed in HUGE letters down the leg of the pants. He knows the game is up if she sees him in these pants.

Not one to be best so easily by a pair of sweat pants, he gets up this morning and gets dressed for school, in a pair of jeans and a sweater. He walked into class this morning, cover intact, and still, in his mind if nowhere else, still passing as a high school student. He immediately walked into the bathroom and changed into his gym clothes so he wouldn't be out of uniform.

I don't think it's gonna get him where he wants to go with this public transit beauty, but clearly a playa's gotta play.

Story #2

I was just talking to a teach who is teaching spelling to 1st graders. As she tries to get them to sound out the words and figure out their spelling she will often dance a liitle as she sings "wha-wha-wha" or ra-ra-ra." Today, as she was doing this one of the first grade boys who happens to have a very thick polish accent, which trust me makes this even funnier (if you don't believe me read the following out loud with a Borat-like accent, stands up and says "You want the money. Here's the money. Take the money." As he pretends to throw money at the teacher.

First graders who associate all dancing women with strippers and aren't afraid to stand up and offer them cash are now my favorite people in the world.

Somedays being a teacher is 100% worth it.

JT

Very Important

As any of you who teach can attest, there are frequently things said in class by the students that are either brilliant, ridiculous, or both, and often amusing. This is the first installment in "Things adults don't say."

"Computer Teacher. Computer Teacher. Computer Teacher. Computer Teacher. Computer Teacher. I have something I need to tell you.

"Yes"

"I have cheese nips. Two packages."

"Good."

Show of hands. Who was told that at work today? Just me? Alright.