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OH, OH It's third grade

Last week one of my third graders was busted by his teacher for selling something to his classmates that he should not be selling on school grounds. Magic Potions.

It seems that for weeks now he has been charging $10, $20, and in this case $30 per potion. Now, before you think that this is one twisted kid you is taking advantage of his classmates naiveté, let me add this little wrinkle. He believes that they work.

He sold one potion that, according to him, contained the three rings of light. I don't know what this potion was supposed to do, but it looked very much like olive oil with some seasoning in it.

This all reminds me of a, I believe, Damon Wayan's bit where he's talking about the rules he has for his kids. The rule is "you're in trouble. Unless it's funny." His son super glued his daughter to the toilet. That's funny.

So is a 3rd grader getting other kids to buy magic potions.

During gym class a couple of days later, this little Harry Potter accidentally hit another kid in the head with a dodgeball. As I was telling him he needed to be more careful when he threw the ball, he got inappropriately defensive, and said, "I can't control where the ball his going once I throw it. I'm not using magic."

I replied, "I know you aren't using magic. You don't have any magic powers."

"Yes I do." He said. "I'll prove it."

"Really? How?"

"I'll make you a bet. Next Winter. I'll turn myself into a wolf. If I can't I'll give up. If I can, you owe me $100 dollars."

"DONE."

"Now remember, it's next winter." He said.

"I know. If you do it before then, it doesn't count."

In recounting this tale to one of my colleagues later that day, he pointed out that even if he does turn himself into a wolf, he would have no use for the money. This hadn't occurred to me. So, it looks like I get to keep my $100 either way. I may however, need to go out and buy some bunnies for next winter.

This may be as good as it gets

In the interest of full disclosure, Adam beat me to this, but I put a lot of that on the fact that I was in the hospital visiting my sick father. (See what I did there? I gave Adam credit while putting that sick father thing in there to garner your sympathy) He pointed this out to me in an e-mail this afternoon.

In Memphis's last game vs. Mississippi State, Memphis was 15-32 from the free throw line for a whopping 46.9%

In their opening round game vs. Texas -Arlington, Memphis was 22-35, for an impressive 62.9%.

Now, I'm now fancy big city lawyer (gasp!) but that seems to add up to 37-67, or 55.2%, which is roughly 14.8% worse than Billy Packer's shockingly inaccurate prediction that was based on nothing.

When asked how he wrote Billy Packer so well, Melvin Udall said, "I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability."

You are 100% wrong. I mean nothing you've said has been right.

I saw something yesterday that brought together a number of things I view as universal constants in one fantastic 30 second soundbite. Here are those three things

1.) John Calipari is a douche bag.
2.) Billy Packer makes predictions that rarely, if ever, come true.
3.) The Packer Method

As anyone who follows college basketball knows, the Memphis Tigers, coached by one John Calipari, are a number one seed in the NCAA and have had a very successful season. They are also a typical Calipari team, in that they are very athletic and very undisciplined. Oh, and they shoot free throws like retarded middle school children. They are considered by a plurality of people in the country (48% of respondents to the cbssports.com poll when I took it a few hours ago) to be the number one seed most likely to go out first. That assumption is based largely on their free throw shooting ability, and the fact that they are from a horrible conference made up of teams that couldn't get into a decent conference. Conference USA is like the group of kids in high school who didn't get invited to the big kegger at the captain of the football team's house and decided to have their own party and then tell everyone how awesome their party was, while putting a picture of the hottest girl at their party on a facebook page dedicated to their party, which they called Captain Awesome's Super Party, and claimed that she was the hottest girl in school. For a while everyone kind of agreed, because she was WAY hotter than any girl anyone thought would go Captain Awesome's Super Party. I mean, as much as they thought about it to begin with, which wasn't often cause their party was a lot better, plus the girls at the football party putout. And then one day the really cute, but elusive Dylan McKay type had to choose between the popular, Kelly Taylor type and the CASP girl. A lot of people thought he would choose the CASP girl, but he chose the popular girl, adn for a while everyone thought that made her the hottest girl in school, but the next week he dumped her to go out with a girl who was empirically attractive. At that point everyone agreed that neither of those other girls were the hottest. They were both attractive, no argument there, but they weren't the hottest girl in school. That's Memphis, in Conference USA.

I think they have an excellent chance of being the first number one seed to lose to a 16. It's going to happen eventually, and I would love to see it happen to Memphis.

Yesterday on Pardon the Interruption, Mr. Tony and Wilbon asked Calipari if he thought their abysmal freethrow shooting was going to raise up and bite them in the ass. I, of course, am paraphrasing here. Calipari, while giving his answer about making free throw shooting fun for his team did something I never thought I'd hear anyone do. He used someone else's Packer Method to make his point for him. Which is like citing Wikipedia in your doctoral thesis.

He said, Billy Packer was doing one of our games and said that we (Memphis) will shoot 70% from the free throw line in the tournament because our form is really good, the problem is just between the ears.

Now I will elucidate why that statement is insane.

1.) I didn't think it was possible to take the Packer Method to new heights, but Calipari did it. He used Billy Packer's made up numbers to prove his point. He didn't make up his own numbers. He went right to the Oracle for his made up crazy.

2.) Not only is he sold on Billy Packer's numbers, but he also believes his prediction. Remember two years ago when Billy Packer made himself look like the biggest horses ass on the planet when he went off on the selection committee for letting in so many mid-majors and the George Mason got to the Final Four? That's just one example of how when Packer predicts the opposite happens.

3.) The assumption that it is better to have a mental problem shooting free throws than it is a physical one is insane. To assume that kids who have trouble shooting free throws during the course of a regular season game will find calm and comfort on the free throw line in the middle of a close NCAA tournament game is mind bogglingly dumb. That's the point where mental cracks turn into opening fault lines of doubt that swallow Lois Lane's car whole.

So, to recap, Billy Packer makes a prediction (a skill he has demonstrated he does not possess) based on a horribly flawed premise, and attaches a made up percentage to it. John Calipari goes on national television and uses this prediction as the basis for his confidence in his team's ability to make free throws when it matters.

Somedays you eat the bear.

If you see Kelvin Sampson on the street...

Please punch him right in the mouth.

I hold Kelvin Sampson personally responsible for the disastrous end to this season. This is what happens when you break the rules. You stupid cheating son of a bitch. Fuck you. Fuck you right in your stupid cheating mouth.

If you never get another job coaching anything I don't think that will be enough. You and your children should remain unemployed for all of eternity. Also your children should be sterile and your line should end so that future generations should not have to suffer the consequences of your rule breaking, lying, deceitful ways.

You have done more damage to this University and this program than any other person in the history of Indiana.

Fuck you.

New R.E.M.

I've been an R.E.M fan for almost 20 years now. The last 10 off those have been less exciting than the first 10. Since the departure of Bill Berry after 1996's New Adventures in Hi-Fi the output from the Tri-pedal Athensites has been hit and miss. There have been some good moments and some painfully mediocre moments, but I just heard the new single from their upcoming album. The song, Supernatural Superserious has a title that doesn't necessarily pop, but the song itself is FANTASTIC. It has a strong, pulsing beat a great guitar rif, forceful and passionate vocals and more energy than anything since Green. Give it a listen if you are even remotely an R.E.M. fan. You won't be disappointed.

A short of list of awesome

Here's a short list of reasons the outcome of Superbowl XLII was awesome

1.) That was the most retarded catch in the history of football. (Don't ask which catch, you know the one I'm talking about.)

2.) Good for Eli.

3.) Belichick is a giant douche bag and he walked off the field with one play still to play. Douche bag.

4.) Jeremy Shockey had nothing to do with this victory.

5.) I have nothing against Tom Brady, except for spite. And that's enough.

Who am I? Who am I? I'm Steve Sanders with a cap on. Giddueup!

If I had been in this situation, with a microphone and a camera, this conversation would have likely gone exactly like this. I would like to pretend that I would be cooler than this, but I would geek out exactly this bad. Please pay special attention to  Ben Lyons' reaction when Ian is talking about his unforgivable wardrobe in the episode under discussion.

That's me in the corner.

I found him

He was in parts unknown.

Some people should just stay out of strip clubs

There are places where you just know you are going to get into trouble, depending on who you are. Some people can embrace these challenges and overcome then (often in hilarious fashion) case in point, recovering alcoholic baseball player, Sam Malone who bought and worked in a bar.

But it seems that PacMan Jones does not have the wherewithal to go into a strip club and not do something criminally stupid, or to be more accurate, criminal.

If you need proof of this assertion, check this out.

The Mega Powers Explode!!

Knowing full well that the analogy blows up if you follow it all the way to it's conclusion*, but after watching DJ White Hulk up enough to body slam the 500 pound giant into the center of the ring against Michigan last night while EJ climbed to the top rope, raised both hands high above his head and dropped the flying elbow right on the Wolverines (OOH YEAH!), I'm convinced of just one thing. If there's a better inside out combination in college basketball that EJ and DJ, I'll eat my hat.

These guys just destroyed Michigan the other night, and if this kind of play continues, we're going to run through most of the Big Ten with only a few hiccups. If this team could ever get healthy it would truly be a sight to see.

* To follow it all the way through the conclusion of this story would have to be EJ thinking that DJ made a move on his girl. EJ would get so pissed about the whole thing that during a key game EJ would be hurt and tired, and DJ would be calling hard for the ball, but EJ wouldn't give it to him. This slight would cost us the game and eventually lead to the two of them playing 1 on 1 for a live and PPV audience.