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The power of the Pope

Some of you may not know this, and if so, I apologize for not having told you prior to this, but I have a Pope T-Shirt. It was purchased for me, and the rest of the faculty here at school from the money changers outside the Papal Mass in New York last month. It is without a doubt the greatest non-dude-related piece of clothing  I own.

Aside from its inherent awesomeness, it also serves as one of the greatest social experiments ever.

First, just by wearing a Pope T-Shirt you can get an instant read on people. You will get one of three reactions. 1.) The "isn't that nice" look that my late grandmother would have given me, because it's the Holy Father. 2.) Disgust because you are either being judged as a bible thumper, by the agnostics and atheists, or
as a Papist by the protestants, or 3) The proper reaction, which is the realization that there is nothing in the world more fantastic than  Popeshirt.

Second, this happened this morning.

I got up and put on my Pope Shirt to wear to school today for casual Friday. I was talking to Laura about the day upcoming and she was staring at my Popeshirt and not paying attention to what I was saying.

I said, "You're looking at my Popeshirt aren't you? Stop it."

She looked up from the glory that I was wearing guiltily. We continued our discussion and less than a minute later she was back to staring at my Popeshirt.

I said, "Stop It!!" And I pulled my jacket closed.

A look of shocked realization spread across my face and I said, "Oh, My God! This is what it's like being a woman!!!"

Thanks to the glory that is Popeshirt, I was able to experience first hand, without expensive prosthetics, or Marilyn Manson androgy-suit the experience of the opposite sex. And conversely, Laura got to experience the male perspective. Hopefully now she knows that we can't help it either. Just as she could not avert her gaze from Popeshirt, men are equally without control.

If more people would wear Popeshirt there would be a greater understanding between the sexes.

Two Things I'll Never Do

I can say with a relative amount of certainty that I will never develop any of my senses to the point that it would be considered almost supernatural.

I can say with nearly the same level of certainty that I will never bowl a 300 game.

The Blind 2. Me 0

They say it was a heart attack, but

the cause of death was most likely revenge.

Let's examine the facts.

First, he was involved in business with at best unscrupulous characters (one of his associates, while meeting with a young movie producer about financing the film held said producer out of the open door of a cable car hanging hundreds of feet over a mountain side).

Second, he was widely suspected of planting a car bomb that detonated, killing the man inside the car(seemingly).

Third, he was so threatened by reprisals from many unnamed sources that he hired a full time body guard to protect his daughter.

Fourth, while having dinner with his daughter's new boyfriend, who coincidentally (?) was the son of the man in the car cited in the second point above, he pulled a gun under the table, and get this, the boyfriend wasn't a bit goddamn surpised by the whole thing, as he had a gun of his own.

Fifth, when his daughter defied his wishes and decided to marry the boyfriend after no more than three months dating, he arranged for a hit on his new son-in-law.

Sixth, it backfired and he ended up having his own daughter killed, sending the grieving widower off on his motor cycle to parts unknown, only to have him return years later seeking revenge. (The widower later found out that is was all a big misunderstanding, as his dad never died in that car and was, in fact, in witness protection with a new life and family.)

But, even knowing that, the widower must have still been pretty pissed off about his wife being shot like that. Plus he had a long history of drug addiction, so who knows what he might do when hopped up and feeling really depressed and angry one dark lonely night.

So, while his publicist is saying he died of a heart attack, I'm thinking that Dylan finally got to Tony Marchette.

It's all very, very sad.

OH, OH It's third grade

Last week one of my third graders was busted by his teacher for selling something to his classmates that he should not be selling on school grounds. Magic Potions.

It seems that for weeks now he has been charging $10, $20, and in this case $30 per potion. Now, before you think that this is one twisted kid you is taking advantage of his classmates naiveté, let me add this little wrinkle. He believes that they work.

He sold one potion that, according to him, contained the three rings of light. I don't know what this potion was supposed to do, but it looked very much like olive oil with some seasoning in it.

This all reminds me of a, I believe, Damon Wayan's bit where he's talking about the rules he has for his kids. The rule is "you're in trouble. Unless it's funny." His son super glued his daughter to the toilet. That's funny.

So is a 3rd grader getting other kids to buy magic potions.

During gym class a couple of days later, this little Harry Potter accidentally hit another kid in the head with a dodgeball. As I was telling him he needed to be more careful when he threw the ball, he got inappropriately defensive, and said, "I can't control where the ball his going once I throw it. I'm not using magic."

I replied, "I know you aren't using magic. You don't have any magic powers."

"Yes I do." He said. "I'll prove it."

"Really? How?"

"I'll make you a bet. Next Winter. I'll turn myself into a wolf. If I can't I'll give up. If I can, you owe me $100 dollars."

"DONE."

"Now remember, it's next winter." He said.

"I know. If you do it before then, it doesn't count."

In recounting this tale to one of my colleagues later that day, he pointed out that even if he does turn himself into a wolf, he would have no use for the money. This hadn't occurred to me. So, it looks like I get to keep my $100 either way. I may however, need to go out and buy some bunnies for next winter.

This may be as good as it gets

In the interest of full disclosure, Adam beat me to this, but I put a lot of that on the fact that I was in the hospital visiting my sick father. (See what I did there? I gave Adam credit while putting that sick father thing in there to garner your sympathy) He pointed this out to me in an e-mail this afternoon.

In Memphis's last game vs. Mississippi State, Memphis was 15-32 from the free throw line for a whopping 46.9%

In their opening round game vs. Texas -Arlington, Memphis was 22-35, for an impressive 62.9%.

Now, I'm now fancy big city lawyer (gasp!) but that seems to add up to 37-67, or 55.2%, which is roughly 14.8% worse than Billy Packer's shockingly inaccurate prediction that was based on nothing.

When asked how he wrote Billy Packer so well, Melvin Udall said, "I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability."

You are 100% wrong. I mean nothing you've said has been right.

I saw something yesterday that brought together a number of things I view as universal constants in one fantastic 30 second soundbite. Here are those three things

1.) John Calipari is a douche bag.
2.) Billy Packer makes predictions that rarely, if ever, come true.
3.) The Packer Method

As anyone who follows college basketball knows, the Memphis Tigers, coached by one John Calipari, are a number one seed in the NCAA and have had a very successful season. They are also a typical Calipari team, in that they are very athletic and very undisciplined. Oh, and they shoot free throws like retarded middle school children. They are considered by a plurality of people in the country (48% of respondents to the cbssports.com poll when I took it a few hours ago) to be the number one seed most likely to go out first. That assumption is based largely on their free throw shooting ability, and the fact that they are from a horrible conference made up of teams that couldn't get into a decent conference. Conference USA is like the group of kids in high school who didn't get invited to the big kegger at the captain of the football team's house and decided to have their own party and then tell everyone how awesome their party was, while putting a picture of the hottest girl at their party on a facebook page dedicated to their party, which they called Captain Awesome's Super Party, and claimed that she was the hottest girl in school. For a while everyone kind of agreed, because she was WAY hotter than any girl anyone thought would go Captain Awesome's Super Party. I mean, as much as they thought about it to begin with, which wasn't often cause their party was a lot better, plus the girls at the football party putout. And then one day the really cute, but elusive Dylan McKay type had to choose between the popular, Kelly Taylor type and the CASP girl. A lot of people thought he would choose the CASP girl, but he chose the popular girl, adn for a while everyone thought that made her the hottest girl in school, but the next week he dumped her to go out with a girl who was empirically attractive. At that point everyone agreed that neither of those other girls were the hottest. They were both attractive, no argument there, but they weren't the hottest girl in school. That's Memphis, in Conference USA.

I think they have an excellent chance of being the first number one seed to lose to a 16. It's going to happen eventually, and I would love to see it happen to Memphis.

Yesterday on Pardon the Interruption, Mr. Tony and Wilbon asked Calipari if he thought their abysmal freethrow shooting was going to raise up and bite them in the ass. I, of course, am paraphrasing here. Calipari, while giving his answer about making free throw shooting fun for his team did something I never thought I'd hear anyone do. He used someone else's Packer Method to make his point for him. Which is like citing Wikipedia in your doctoral thesis.

He said, Billy Packer was doing one of our games and said that we (Memphis) will shoot 70% from the free throw line in the tournament because our form is really good, the problem is just between the ears.

Now I will elucidate why that statement is insane.

1.) I didn't think it was possible to take the Packer Method to new heights, but Calipari did it. He used Billy Packer's made up numbers to prove his point. He didn't make up his own numbers. He went right to the Oracle for his made up crazy.

2.) Not only is he sold on Billy Packer's numbers, but he also believes his prediction. Remember two years ago when Billy Packer made himself look like the biggest horses ass on the planet when he went off on the selection committee for letting in so many mid-majors and the George Mason got to the Final Four? That's just one example of how when Packer predicts the opposite happens.

3.) The assumption that it is better to have a mental problem shooting free throws than it is a physical one is insane. To assume that kids who have trouble shooting free throws during the course of a regular season game will find calm and comfort on the free throw line in the middle of a close NCAA tournament game is mind bogglingly dumb. That's the point where mental cracks turn into opening fault lines of doubt that swallow Lois Lane's car whole.

So, to recap, Billy Packer makes a prediction (a skill he has demonstrated he does not possess) based on a horribly flawed premise, and attaches a made up percentage to it. John Calipari goes on national television and uses this prediction as the basis for his confidence in his team's ability to make free throws when it matters.

Somedays you eat the bear.

If you see Kelvin Sampson on the street...

Please punch him right in the mouth.

I hold Kelvin Sampson personally responsible for the disastrous end to this season. This is what happens when you break the rules. You stupid cheating son of a bitch. Fuck you. Fuck you right in your stupid cheating mouth.

If you never get another job coaching anything I don't think that will be enough. You and your children should remain unemployed for all of eternity. Also your children should be sterile and your line should end so that future generations should not have to suffer the consequences of your rule breaking, lying, deceitful ways.

You have done more damage to this University and this program than any other person in the history of Indiana.

Fuck you.

New R.E.M.

I've been an R.E.M fan for almost 20 years now. The last 10 off those have been less exciting than the first 10. Since the departure of Bill Berry after 1996's New Adventures in Hi-Fi the output from the Tri-pedal Athensites has been hit and miss. There have been some good moments and some painfully mediocre moments, but I just heard the new single from their upcoming album. The song, Supernatural Superserious has a title that doesn't necessarily pop, but the song itself is FANTASTIC. It has a strong, pulsing beat a great guitar rif, forceful and passionate vocals and more energy than anything since Green. Give it a listen if you are even remotely an R.E.M. fan. You won't be disappointed.

A short of list of awesome

Here's a short list of reasons the outcome of Superbowl XLII was awesome

1.) That was the most retarded catch in the history of football. (Don't ask which catch, you know the one I'm talking about.)

2.) Good for Eli.

3.) Belichick is a giant douche bag and he walked off the field with one play still to play. Douche bag.

4.) Jeremy Shockey had nothing to do with this victory.

5.) I have nothing against Tom Brady, except for spite. And that's enough.

Who am I? Who am I? I'm Steve Sanders with a cap on. Giddueup!

If I had been in this situation, with a microphone and a camera, this conversation would have likely gone exactly like this. I would like to pretend that I would be cooler than this, but I would geek out exactly this bad. Please pay special attention to  Ben Lyons' reaction when Ian is talking about his unforgivable wardrobe in the episode under discussion.

That's me in the corner.